Incest is Wrong, Most of the Time
by Crazy PurpleSage
Summary: Who does Itachi love the most and why? Certaintly not the person anyone would have suspected; but then again, when has he ever done anything expected?


Sorry for yet another silly-stupid story. I know, I have problems. My head is filled with useless plots that are not helping me update my multi-chaptered stories at all. But please read and review all the same; I would much appreciate it. Tell me to get my butt into gear. ;)

_ALSO! Bea is awesome, because she still chapterises for me even though it's all dumb. (^-^)_

_**Warnings:**_Mentions of one-sided Uchihacest, vulgar language, and a fairly predictable, yet at the same time unpredictable, ending.

_**Disclaimer: **_Naruto's not mine.

_**Incest is Wrong…Most of the Time**_

"He loves me the most." Sasuke looked down his nose and narrowed his eyes, daring Naruto to contradict his irrefutable claim. Leaning against the stone pillar, which had missing chunks and scorch marks courtesy of their latest spar, Sasuke glared down at Naruto condescendingly.

"Yeah," Naruto said sarcastically as he stood up from where he'd been having a nice lie on the grass after an intense work-out session with his friend. Narrowing his own eyes back challengingly, he went on disdainfully, "you got your eye gouged out and then a bloody-fire one shoved in after being almost beaten to death. _Wow," _he drew out the last word in mock-awe, followed by a mock bow, waving his hand with a downward twirl as he half-bent his head. "_That's _love right there, for sure."

"It's called the Amaterasu, for your information," Sasuke retaliated with a sneer. "And what?" he asked unimpressed. "You got a freakin' crow shoved down your throat. He didn't even bother with any jutsu on you, knowing you'd be too slow anyway." He crossed his muscular arms over his slightly bared chest, the navy blue yukata shuffling smoothly against his sweating pale skin.

"No! That's not itat all." Naruto threw his hands up in the air, setting his jaw in anger and taking a deep breath before yelling at the top of lungs. "He didn't want to hurt me because he cares for me. He's never hurt me once! Not one hair on my head. Can _you _say the same?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes further with a burning ferocity. "I guess he knows I'm just closer to his skill level than you, and he won't _actually_ do any damage. _You_, on the other hand, are like a little porcelain doll he's too afraid to touch. That's a great start for a relationship. He'll have to come to me to actually get any satisfaction anyway." Sasuke's sneer became even more pronounced as he frowned in fake pity at his friend.

"Oh fuck you! Look who's talking about being porcelain, Mister I-can't-have-anything-but-silk-touch-my-delicate-skin-that's-never-seen-sunlight-in-decades. Plus, you're his _little brother_!" He added with a particular emphasis on the little and the fact that they were blood related, which Sasuke promptly ignored. "And for your information," he lowered his voice, leaning closer to Sasuke as though imparting a great secret; in the process, blowing the scent of today's lunch, ramen, with a knowing smile at Sasuke's crinkled nose. "He'd have fucked me and have me begging for more before you even realised what was going on."

Sasuke crinkled his nose further up his face, but for a different reason this time.

"Do you even know what the word 'fuck' means, dobe?" Sasuke snorted in the back of his throat; smirking superiorly as though Naruto were a simple three-year old who was just repeating words he heard.

"Of course I know what it means, you asshole. Better than you, dattebayo!"

"You're seriously saying that again?" Sasuke raked his hand through his hair, taking out imaginary knots with deft fingers. "It makes you sound even more like an idiot. Dobe."

"Teme!" Naruto stuck a shaking finger in the other's face, his teeth gritted in ager, his whole body ready to spring up and attack at any moment. "You're just jealous 'cause you know that _I'm _right and _you're _wrong. Bastard," he added in a muttered afterthought.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted. "You wish, usuratonkatchi."

"How about we prove it!" Naruto crossed his arms, mimicking Sasuke's pose down to the pursed lips and narrowed eyes. If only he could nail the 'I'm a bastard, step back twenty feet or else' look, he'd be all set.

"And how, pray tell," Sasuke cocked his head to the side mockingly, lowering his voice further and further with each word until he was whispering the words scathingly past his lips, "do you propose we do that?"

"Well ask him, of course." Naruto broke form to spread his palms face up, fingers stretched out, and lift them in the air in a manner that said he hadn't thought Sasuke to be so stupid; just barely leaving out the added, 'duh'.

"We don't even know where he is," Sasuke deadpanned, throwing Naruto's sentiment right back. "He was only acquitted last week. The council is still in session. You know no one's come out since Tuesday. No one even knows where Itachi is being kept during the voting. Probably some prison cell no one under ANBU-level is privy to."

Naruto bit his lip; a look of indecision clouding his face –one that Sasuke knew all too well.

"What do you know Naruto?" He asked softly; apathetically. There was no way Naruto knew where Itachi was this whole time. Not before Itachi's own brother knew!

"Well," Naruto continued to worry his lip, bringing a hand back to tangle his fingers in his hair. "I _may _ know where they're keeping Itachi; being the next Hokage and all," he said nonchalantly, though the look of excited superiority written all over his face seemed to negate his casual attitude. He totally had one over on Sasuke now.

"What?" Sasuke hissed, eyes flickering rapidly from black to red with dizzying speed.

Oh right; that was why he wasn't allowed to tell Sasuke.

"Calm down, teme," Naruto backed a few steps away, waving his open hands in front of him in a gesture of placation. "I'll take you to him now and he can settle it once and for all, alright?"

Sasuke clenched and unclenched his jaw, his fingernails digging into his palm to the point of drawing blood, and his eyes started slowing down until they remained a blood red. Sharingan spinning wildly, he looked at Naruto and nodded. "Fine." He was Sasuke's older brother, he wouldn't refuse him. Itachi had even claimed to have done everything to protect Sasuke and keep him out of harm's way. If that wasn't deep love and devotion…

"You coming or what bastard?" Naruto called over his shoulder, leading Sasuke out of the village.

"Hn."

They were both jounins, so leaving the village shouldn't be a problem; however, there was still hesitance about letting Sasuke pass through the gates without a higher-ranking shinobi supervising. But somehow, with a simple nod from Naruto that Sasuke conveniently missed, they both made their way through without incident.

Once they'd traversed far enough into the outlying forest to be out of view from the guards at the gate, yet not too far away to need to be on hyper-guard, Naruto stopped and brought his hands to his mouth –a sure sign for Sasuke to plug his ears if he were smart.

"Caw! Caw! Caw!" An obnoxious crowing noise burst forth from the back of Naruto's throat, getting louder and louder with each passing second.

Sasuke was about to slap Naruto's hands away and demand that he stop now or else, when a different voice spoke up first.

"Would you please stop with the bird noises Naruto? I know when you are coming anyway."

"Itachi!" Naruto ran forward and tackled the man to the ground with a crushing hug. "We came to visit you!" He chirped happily as he laid his hands on either side of Itachi's shoulders and pushed his upper body weight onto his arms to look into Itachi's face.

"I see," Itachi spoke in a lethargic monotone, not at all phased by the exuberant greeting he had just received. "I thought you were told only you and Tsunade were allowed to know my exact location and visit," he spoke as though reprimanding the blond, though there was a slight glint in his eyes that said otherwise.

"Heh, heh," Naruto got up off Itachi fully –allowing the other to at least sit up – to kneel in front of the elder Uchiha and scratch the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, you see, Itachi," he looked back at Sasuke for support, but his best friend was just staring intently at his brother with no indication of looking away any time soon. "Uh, Sasuke and I kind of got into an argument –"

"Again," Itachi interjected clinically.

"—about who's better and all; and who you'd chose as someone you like. Like, _like, like, _and have as… you know, –"

"A life partner," Itachi guessed rightly yet again; though he would not call it guessing. How could it be when you knew you knew the truth?

"—and well Sasuke was being an utter ass, saying I was too fragile and shit, but I told him that I was not at all. Plus, I've got way more energy to spare, making me a much better choice and all; but –"

"Of course."

"—he was sure he was on your skill level and that you had a deeper bond and shit. But you're brothers –"

"True."

"And besides, you treat him like a kid brother, but you always treat me like –like –"

"I'm courting you."

"Yeah! And I –huh?" Naruto stopped mid-rant, Itachi's words finally taking purchase in his mind, to look at Itachi with wide eyes.

Sasuke had narrowed his own eyes at Itachi, also begging for further explanation.

Was he serious?

"I said, I act as though I am courting you. You're right," Itachi repeated, looking at both Naruto and Sasuke. "Naruto would be the obvious choice."

"What?" the two friends cried simultaneously, one in pleasant surprise, the other outrage.

"I don't think I really need to explain or repeat myself. Besides, I was told love wasn't supposed to make sense," he said as though he didn't really believe that, but he had no other explanation for it. Not waiting for a reaction, he finally stood up from the ground, brushing off the back of his pants before offering a hand to help Naruto up as well. "Besides," Naruto glanced up inquisitively when Itachi refused to let go of his hand once he was standing upright, only to find Itachi looking at Sasuke, "that would be incest, Sasuke."

Sasuke opened his mouth, his face turning red with a mixture of embarrassment and rage, but Itachi cut him off before he could force out words with the air in his lungs.

"It's taboo." The elder clarified, tugging at Naruto's arm to drag him away, but surprisingly finding some resistance. "What's wrong Naruto?"

Naruto's mouth was screwed to the side, obviously from thinking deeply about something. After a moment, he looked up with big blue eyes spilling with worry. "What if we were siblings?" He asked in horror. After all, no matter how much they fight –maybe because of it even – he still considered Sasuke his brother. So did that make him Itachi's little brother too by default?

He voiced these thoughts with as much coherence as he possessed while trying not to hyperventilate and make Itachi think he had chosen wrongly.

Itachi looked thoughtful for a moment, closing his eyes with a slight smile on his normally emotionless face. "No," he finally answered, opening his eyes to see the bright hope shining back at him in colours of ocean-blue. "Even if that were the case, I'm sure we could make an exception."

"Good!" Not worried any longer about irrelevant facts, Naruto skipped forward, pulling a more-than-willing Itachi along and leaving Sasuke in the dust.

Just as it should be.

おわり

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